Friday, August 21, 2009

Inglorious Basterds

So I seen Inglorious Basterds, Tarintino's new flick, last night on opening night. Midnight showing, natch.

Kicked fuckin' ass. Like unbelievable. Tarintino just doesn't give a shit, and I say that in a good way. Like sometimes you go to a movie and you know how it's gonna end: Titanic, fuckin' boat's gonna sink; Passion, Jesus Dies; ditto with the big monkey in King Kong. So like three quarters of the way through Basterds you think: "No way these guys are gonna succeed with their plan to blow up a movie theater in which all of the top Nazis, plus Hitler, are watching a propaganda flick, cause' that shit certainly didn't happen for reals."

Fuck that. Tarintino, as previously stated, doesn't give a shit about things not happening like they did for reals. IRL a squad of pissed off Jews were not dropped into France under the leader of a half-Apache Jew to go buckwild and scalp as many Krauts as they could, and we didn't question that part of the premise, did we?

Basically what I'm sayin is this movie contains a scene in which we are treated to THREE DIFFERENT SHOTS of Hitler getting MACHINE GUNNED plus a whole lot of Nazi generals and fucking Goering and Goebels and shit betting blowed up. Oh, and Brad Pitt* fucking carves goddamned Swastikas into the head of any Nazi he doesn't have Eli Roth beat the heads of in with a baseball bat.

Mind you this is Eli Roth in a role in which the Nazis have (in their pant-shitting terror) nicknamed him "The Bear Jew". Fucking amazing.

Many of the typical Tarintino stars return in voice over cameos: Samuel L. Jackson does some narrating, and Harvey Keitel is a voice-only radio conversation as Brad Pitt's boss.

This shit was basically so off the fucking hook you wouldn't believe it. If you like things that are awesome, or hate Nazis, or just fuckin' want to have a good time and don't mind a little gore (you literally watch some people get fuckin' dismembered, and we see Brad Pitt carve one of those Swastikas into a forehead like for reals with no Reservoir Dogs style cut away) then see this fuckin' movie. If you're a pussy or a grandparent, go see.... I dunno, something that sucks.

Cruise Rating: Nine out of Ten Motherfuckers.

*Between this, Fight Club, and nailing the shit out of Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt is pretty much the coolest motherfucker in the goddamned world who isn't named Tom Cruise, is all I'm sayin. If only he hadn't let her saddle him with a million fuckin' adopted third world orphans. I don't care how hot she is, man, why you got to do a thing like that?

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Tom Cruise Status

Fuck, so like Tom is down in fuckin Virginia doin some Navy* shit this week. I figured I'd point that out here in case anybody was wondering.

Tom is gonna be doin shit on the superdefuckinduper carrier Truman this week, so I have some nautical type fuckin questions about that shit for him to answer when he gets his ass back online.

  • Why a superfuckincarrier? Isn't a regular carrier like big enough? I seen the Enterprize. Motherfucker could hold like, a shit ton of MTA busses on it.
  • Isn't a bathroom on a boat called a head? Doesn't this kinda work against the Navy trying to not look like a bunch of queers? Buncha dudes "in the head".
  • Is the food on a boat good?
I apparently do not have as many questions about boats as I thought I did. Try to fuck a mermaid while you're there, Tom.

*Motherfucker is not, as far as I know, in the Navy.

Movies with Fuckin' Tom Cruise

One time, my father said to me "Tom, movies are a series of still images displayed rapidly in succession so as to create the appearance of motion, that are fun to watch. With like explosions and shit. Films, on the other hand, are the same kinda moving-picture thing that are fucking boring, but if you pretend to like one sometimes you can get laid."

Pretty fuckin smart, huh? Especially that part about how you can get laid maybe if you pretend to like boring shit. That works for other boring shit too, fellas.

Anyway, I like movies. They're fuckin fun, and hell sometimes you can get a real slut to go down on you during one, and I bet nobody every got head watching The Notebook with like a grandma three seats away. I like movies, and I figured that since fucking cool as shit Inglorious Basterds is gonna come out I'd talk about it. About like, a bunch of movies that I like, even ones that aren't new, like The Godfather or Raging Bull or The Godfather Part II.

So, uh, look for posts about fuckin movies and shit comin up.

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Beach Weekend

The beach was fuckin' awesome this weekend. Bitches, hoes, and sluts all in full effect. Hit tha bars with my boys, then kicked ass Saturday before heading otu for round two Saturday night. Yours truly was wingmaning like a master, If I'd a been Maverick, Goose would still be alive today and banging out more goslings with his wife.

I'd go into more detail, but you know the saying: What Happend In Fucking Dewey Beach On Atlantic Cup Weekend Stays At Dewey Beach On Atlantic Cup Weekend. Bitches.

Oh yeah, good ways to pass the time at 3am if youre back at the hotel for a sausage festival: RC Cars. If you know what the fuck I mean.